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Got
a problem?
The
Know-it-Alls have the answer
Norm and Reine here. Now that we're a couple, we want to help.
You. Since Reine and I are nearly a mature person between
us with a lot of insight and experience...it's time to give
back something. After careful thought, we came to the conclusion
that all we can afford to give away is advice. So talk to
us, the Know-It-Alls!
The
Know-It-Alls
Have a question that Ann or Abby would never answer? Need to know something about the littler things in life? Ask Norm and Reine, aka The Know-It-Alls.
Many of life's answers are available in book form. Read The Norm box collections.
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Dear Know-It-Alls:
Help! I'm in a terrible dilemma! I broke up with my ex-girlfriend
four months ago and I started seeing another friend of mine I've
known for four years. We mutually decided it wasn't anything to
get excited about and stopped seeing each other romantically
after two months. Here's my dilemma: She and I would get
together to bake different things all the time (It's a hobby we have
in common).
Now she (my friend) wants me to share my Great Aunt Rose's
Chocolate Chip Cookie recipe. Know-It-Alls, this is a secret
family recipe of the world's best choco-chips in the world! How
do I easily tell her I can't publicly release this cookie recipe? It's
for the good of mankind! I don't want to hurt my friend's feelings,
but countries would go to war for these cookies! I need help
avoiding this disaster!
- Trying not to start WWIII
Reine: Dear World War III, uh, Norm, did you want to take this
one?
Norm: Sure. Hey WWIII, why is it your hobby with a hottie is
making cookies instead of sex? Let me explain how --
Reine: My turn. Look, Mr. War, it's simple: Just tell her. If you can't
tell a friend anything, then they're not really a friend. A friend
would know that a family recipe is a family recipe. They'd respect
that, even if they're the nosy type. So tell her up front and right
away that she can't have any of your batter.
Norm: Did you just hear what you said?
Reine: What?
Norm: Think about it.
Reine: Oh. That kind of came out dirty.
Norm: Yes it did. Okay,
Mr.-My-Cookie-Dough-Is-More-Important-Than-Anything Else,
that's this month's advice. Good luck mating!
- - - - -
Dear
Norm and Reine:
I have a small problem. You see, for awhile I liked this one
guy, but he didn't seem to care for me, so I got over him...I
found out he wasn't my type. Here's the problem. I've found
a new guy, but a friend informs me that the ex-crush now is
finding interest in me. His friend asked me to double-date
with the ex, his friend, and my friend, going to a movie.
I don't know what to do, I'm kind of shy around guys, and
I do want to go to the movies, but I don't want to just end
up being a tag-a-long for this guy's friend and my friend
(he likes her) and give up this new interest I've found. I
know that if I go to the movies with this guy, it won't be
as "just friends".
What should I do? Is it worth it to go to the movies with
this guy that I'm pretty sure I have no future with, or should
I pursue this new person? HELP!!
- Life of a Movie Plot
Norm:
Go to the movie alone.
Reine: Yeah. At least you'll enjoy it. Men seem to be dangerous
territory for you. Stick with celluloid.
-
- - - -
Dear
Know-It-Alls: I met a girl at a party this past week, and
I'm not quite sure what to do. I'm interested, but she is
sending those exceedingly ambiguous female signals...how do
I actively hit on her, without turning her off?
- Unknowing at the University
Reine:
Geez. Why don't you just ask where to find some free money?
Life is full of risks, Unknowing Boy. If you need to borrow
a nut, Norm might lend you one.
Norm: Whoa, a little harsh there, Reine.
Reine: Harsh? This guy wants the no pain path in life. And
what does "ambiguous female signals" mean? She's probably
being nice! Those ambiguous signals are probably the real
thing.
Norm: Don't listen to Reine. This is simple. If you want her
to get to know you, then try it. Don't hit on her. Just try
to be friendly or friends. The hot love will follow if it's
right.
Reine: I'm reading it again. Did he say "actively hit on her"?
Bwa-haha-haha!
-
- - - -
Dear
Know-It-Alls, As an upcoming college graduate I'll be looking
for internships. Since I imagine Will soon will have completed
his internship at Norm's company I was hoping there might
be a position available. What are my chances? -Seeking Ammunition
for the Job Hunt
Norm:
Sure. Just send a self-addressed envelope to BBB Publishing
and put on the outside of the envelope "I want to be a minion!"
Reine: Internships are an important part of education.
Norm: For the corporations mining them.
Reine: Not true. You need experience in today's job market.
Everyone has a BA or BS, heck, everyone has a MA or MBA or
MS. Get some experience before you get out of school. It might
make all the difference.
Norm: And if you're serious about working at BBB, you might
want to rent "Karate Kid" again. Check out the scene where
Pat says, "Wash on, wash off."
-
- - - -
Dear
Know It alls:
My MIL's birthday is arriving soon and I don't know what to
get her. Last year I got her a pair of earrings, but my wife
was unhappy about the price. The year before I got her a gift-certificate
and I (my wife thought I) was uncaring. Previous years were
much of the same. Is there a "safe" gift?
- Between the Rock and the Hard Place
NORM:
Dear Mr. Hard Place. To answer your question, there really
aren't any guarantees when it comes to MILs, gifts or otherwise.
Trust me, I've been doing some field work on this one. Now,
I wasn't really sure if your previous offerings have been
considered unsatisfactory by your MIL or your wife or both.
If it is your dearly beloved that gave you the thumbs down,
well, I'd say it's her turn to shop for her mom's gift. After
all, she's known her mom a lot longer than you have.
REINE:
I think it's a good time to mention Norm is not certified
in anything that resembles counseling and it shows.
NORM:
That's true. Um, but, Mr. Hard? If it's your MIL that's hard
to please, that's insanely difficult. If you ask her what
she wants, you put yourself at risk of being labeled insensitive
or uncreative. If you send flowers, you'll have to research
whether she's allergic.
REINE:
Allergic? There's not a woman on Earth who's allergic to flowers.
NORM:
Okay, scratch the alle-
REINE:
What you need to worry about is what your wife will think
of you sending flowers to her mother. That's fairly weird.
NORM:
Uh, Okay. Hmmm. I guess, if you think she really doesn't need
anything and won't appreciate whatever you come up with, you
could always make a donation to your favorite charity in her
name (as long as it's not to something like Alcoholics Anonymous).
REINE:
Oh, right. A donation. That'll go over big.
NORM:
Well, Mr. Hard. There you have it. I think we worked this
one out quite well. The answer is plain and simple. You're
screwed.
-
- - - -
Dear
Know It alls:
I'm a 20-something geek girl recently invited to join in a
tabletop role playing game for the first time. I'm really
shy and easily intimidated, and I'm worried that my boyfriend
will get jealous of the time I spend at someone else's house.
Should I join the game, knowing that I'll either wimp out
after the first session (reinforcing my shyness) or become
instantaneously addicted (exacerbating my boyfriend's potential
jealousy)?
REINE:
Dear Geek Girl. I'm not sure what your real question is here,
are you asking whether you should try out this tabletop adventure?
I'm assuming this is a relatively innocent game rather than
the home version of Temptation Island. If your true concern
is your shy nature and how it might interfere with your participation,
then I suggest you let the other players know that you want
to join in for one session and see how you like it before
committing for the long haul. You can always opt out if...
NORM:
Wait, wait, wait, Reine. You don't know what a role-playing
game is? It's not Temptation Island, it's not even Fantasy
Island. It's a board or card game!
REINE:
I didn't know.
NORM:
Obviously! Geez! Besides , I think her concern is about her
boyfriend's jealousy. And that's a much bigger issue, I think.
Geek Girl, if your boyfriend gets jealous of the time you
spend with others, this doesn't sound like a very healthy
relationship. Ditto if for reasons unknown you are secretly
hoping that your involvement might make him jealous.
REINE:
What are you recommending?
NORM:
I think she needs to start acting like her boyfriend is a
role-playing card, put him in the bad guy pile and roll for
a new one. Going to the game might be where she finds Mr.
Right.
REINE:
You're so weird.
NORM:
Just talking the tribal language, my love.
- - - - -
Dear Know-it-alls:
My company has decided to take part in the ever popular trend
amongst California businesses -- running like hell from this
overtaxed/unfriendly state. My co-workers and I have been
informed that the doors close Feb. 1st, thank you much, and
if we want to relocate to Cincinnati, well, see you there.
The range of reactions to this news run from relief (at least
we got a warning so we can get out), to apathy (I guess I
can do this poorly until they throw me out), to outright defiance
and rage (I never liked you anyway, and now I'll DEFINITELY
do things my way!).
The last reaction mostly seems to emanate from the longer
term employees who haven't had this experience before. I literally
feel like each interpersonal contact in the office has the
potential to severely wound me, but I don't wish to turn into
ghost-boy and have to melt into the wallpaper (which is ugly)
to avoid the nastiness. Any suggestions?
- Andy H., Orange CA
REINE: Andy, define
"severely". If you're referring to actual physical
injury, than I'd go for the ghost-boy scenario, ugly wallpaper
or not, while working madly on your resume. If you mean emotional
scarring, puh-lease ... You better toughen up to survive in
today's corporate world or consider switching careers to something
that offers more compassion and courtesy. Perhaps library
science or yoga instruction. Regardless, I'd say it's time
to think about the color of your getaway car.
NORM: Whoa. Slow
down, Reine. Didn't you go through this over a year ago? And
aren't you considering getting out and doing something a little
more "important" with YOUR life? Be kind, Andy here
might be your crew boss at Taco Mouth one day.
REINE: Are you
talking to me? Are you talking to me?
NORM: We were
going to answer another letter about relationships, but I
think it's time to go. Andy? Do the wallpaper thing and secretly
urinate in the plant potters if you have to work overtime.
Gotta go. Reine? Put-the-lamp-down or I'll tell your mom!
-
- - - -
Dear
Know-It-Alls:
I've
been wondering about whether to call my old girlfriend. We
broke up two years ago, she got engaged and I thought the
relationship was over. Now she's calling me to see how I'm
doing. She asked me if I'd like to get together and talk and
I quickly told her no. I assume she's still engaged.
Now
I'm not sure I said the right thing. I've thought about her
a lot these past couple of years (my friends say more than
a lot) and I'm sort of curious to see what she wants. How
should I proceed?
–
In the on-deck circle again
NORM:
I'll take this first one Reine. Let me be clear, Mr. Deck.
I really think you're going to be okay. I mean, you used a
baseball reference and everything!
REINE:
Norm! My turn. Listen, take the decision process in small
steps, completing each step before proceeding to the next
one. It's like cooking, but you don't get to eat anything
when you're done. Here's the order:
1) Find out if she is engaged.
2) Ask yourself (out loud if necessary) do you really want
to start something with this person again? What would you
want out of this relationship this time that you didn't get
last time? And if she is engaged and you still feel like calling
her, ask yourself if it's worth the extra trouble.
3) So you didn't listen to me on the first two steps and you
still want to call her. Instead of calling, write her a letter,
she can't interrupt you. Let her know how you feel and define
some of the gray areas that this meeting may create.
NORM:
Sex and relationships don't mix. Just ask anyone who's married.
REINE: Careful there, couch boy.
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